A love letter

So, I got engaged. Eric and I have been together for almost 10 years. Although many people have their opinions about this, I think we are right where we are meant to be in our relationship. I absolutely love that he proposed right before hitting that 10 year mark. I don’t know why, it just made it seem more substantial. I feel like if he waited until the tenth year that it wouldn’t be as noteworthy. Simply knowing someone for ten years is pretty significant and now we have our own day. 

I was so ready to become a fiance. It was interesting because once I put it out into the world it seemed like people started to ask when it was going to happen, as if I would know or even wanted to know. I don’t want many surprises out of life but my proposal was one I didn’t want to see coming. I definitely wanted to be amazed. And this is how it went; It was a private event, which is so us. I didn’t want a bunch of eyes on me as I decided to commit to the one person I would forever be fighting with, loving with and growing old with. I didn’t need that drunken, overly excited sports man screaming at me to say “YES!” No thank you. Eric and I have always been pretty private and it suited us to have this moment together and alone. Not many people knew about it, shoot only the most important people knew and I can count them all on one hand. But, I have got you tell you, it was magical, it was like I was in a fairy tale. The cloudy sky opened up and the sun peered down at us and graced us with its welcoming warmth- almost like the sun was saying, finally. And I am not kidding. I know it must sound like a bunch of bull but I was there and it happened.

It’s odd to think, now looking back, that there were a few instances that I wondered if Eric was going to propose but the thought just seemed so outrageous to me. He hinted at nothing, kept his cool like a hippopotamus. A creature with nothing to fear, just treading through water without a care in the world. Not a single ounce of worry was sketched on his face. 

I’ll let you know right now, I wouldn’t have cared if he didn’t propose. It was our first time traveling alone, by plane to a place we have both never been. I was happy just to be there with him. So, as I walked by his side to our private picnic I was so astonished by the beauty and thoughtfulness of it that a proposal was not on my mind. 

I think it surprised us both, even Eric was at a loss for words. As his sparkling brown eyes and the blinding diamond looked up at me, it seemed like he forgot his script. I waited for him to ask and it seemed like it was never coming. We both just stared at each other, wide eyed and waiting as if someone else was writing this play. Isn’t someone supposed to tell me what to say? No? So, what were those words again? “Oh, yes, yes I will marry you.” 

And people, the ring is perfect. That is all I got to say on that.

An engaged couple

Now that we are engaged, I find myself looking at Eric and feeling absolutely sure about choosing us. Not that I wasn’t sure when we were dating and living together. I just find myself more often looking at the things I love about him. Like the way he looks at me sometimes or the way he reaches for me and always tends to hear me calling no matter where I am in the house.  

But, on the other hand I find myself questioning love. And I think this comes from my past. From the way I was raised and nothing to do with how I see Eric, but it still affects us. Since he is a part of my world and soon to be husband, the way he loves me and the way I love him is very important. As I sit and question what love really is I find myself also asking questions like, ‘do I really love Eric?’ ‘How do I know?’ ‘How does anyone know?’ ‘What does love look like?’ ‘What do I want it to look like?’

I cannot imagine my life without Eric, he chose me and I chose him and I would decide the same over and over again. But, these questions disturb me. Is a new bride supposed to be asking these kinds of questions? What does it mean? Or does it not mean anything? Am I just getting cold feet 2 years before the wedding? I have no idea. I am trying not to read too much into it because I have no doubts about Eric whatsoever. I think I am just doubting myself and if I am doubting myself then how can I be sure of anything? Like how to love. 

My promise

So, this isn’t going to be your typical love letter. It’s not going to be soapy and make you ugly cry or maybe it will, who knows. 

This is a love letter for myself or even for yourself. A reminder of the excitement, the passion, the unknowns, the frustrations and all the overwhelming feelings of beginning. It’s to remind us that love doesn’t have to be one thing or another, that we all feel complex things. It is possible to feel frustrated and confused but to still love unconditionally. And even though I am anxious about certain unknowns I am not anxious to go through them with you. To battle them with you by my side is to dive under a wave and end up at the edge of the world. 

All of this reminds me of how far we have come. Both as a couple and as individuals. How we have opened up to each other, listened and cried. How we have learned things about ourselves and each other and simply accepted them. And all those times when I have beaten you down emotionally and mentally you were the strong one to push past them and see the real person living underneath my soiled skin. You saw who I truly was at the time and still chose to love me. It takes real patience to wait for the person you love to heal themselves. I know now that it takes hope, love, patience and a whole bunch of strength to take it on. To love someone before they love themselves is a battle not many are willing to face. Which is why I vow to keep trying, to never give up on myself so that I may be the best wife, partner, and best friend to you. Because life without you would be stripping a part of me. Wherever you go, my heart goes too. And maybe it’s selfish, maybe in the end love really is selfish. We say it isn’t but from a different perspective, we love to feel loved. Whether it be from someone else or from yourself. Love is to feel loved. And that in itself is an interesting thought, but a thought for another day.  

So, at the end of the day when I am full of doubt, you hear me across the way and you end up doing that one thing to reassure me of me. 

And for that I will forever love you for seeing me as me.

-Evelyn Espinoza

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