Over the last year I lost several relationships that were important to me. Losing them nearly destroyed my sanity. Ever since then I’ve been on an emotional and mental rollercoaster. A part of me is so angry at myself for letting some people have so much power over me. My fears of not being accepted, and fears of being replaceable, looked like they were becoming real problems to face. The sad thing is I am sure these people have no idea how they impacted my life. In truth, they helped me discover more about myself. I fought through denial, pain, and ultimately found a stable ground to stand upon. I’m writing about this hard time in my life as a way to confront it; sometimes we experience circumstances that cause sadness or negativity for us so we just wish for them to go away. We fight and fight with these emotions and push aside questions we really should answer but are afraid to. Maybe the problem is me…
Not answering these questions caused toxicity in my life. My therapist told me I can’t control everything, and of course I already knew this, but it was what she made me do next that allowed me to move forward. It was so simple: she gave me breathing exercises! Once I allowed myself to pause and breathe, really breathe, my mind became open and I felt my body relax. I realized that these fears were always there. These fears were impacting my relationships. I saw my part in this and I was finally able to own my power. Which leads to LESSON #1: once you accept your mistakes you can learn from them. I was finally allowing myself to see the changes I needed to make to move foward.
Throughout my life I’ve felt invisible and this has impacted me in a way that made me start clinging to the people in my life. I felt like I needed these people close to me at all times to keep them from leaving. In the end I realized I wasn’t trusting people, nor was I trusting myself. I was so afraid of losing people that I began to hold on too tight and I was leading myself straight to my fears. Lesson #2, In order to trust you must give from yourself. This was so scary for me because if I trusted someone that meant one of us could mess up which would result in getting hurt and feeling like I never should have trusted that person in the first place. I just didn’t want the responsibility that came with trust. It’s a two-way street. To give trust means you also trust yourself in that no matter what happens you know you can lean on yourself and have the strength to keep moving forward.
Lastly, I learned to move on, which was one of the hardest things to do, and something that continues to be a struggle. Moving on meant I had to confront everything I was suppressing. I kept telling myself I was fine and could easily move on, but hiding emotions does more damage than good. You know, people will come and go but that doesn’t mean you are always ready to face it. So, I shed some tears, I talked about it, I wrote about it, and shifted my focus to bettering myself. I made goals that were bigger than me and allow me to grow and experience life. I realized I could do this with or without these people in my life. Their impact in my life allowed me to see that I have more power over myself that I thought. Sometimes it takes some pushes to realize that. I hope you know the same is true for you.
Until next time.
P.S. I promise not all posts are going to be so serious. 🙂